Tips on How to be a Powerful Dominant

Wondering how to be dominant? We’ve got the answers here, straight from the mistress’ mouth.

Sexual dominance isn’t all about being bossy and getting your shoes kissed or receiving oral sex (although it is definitely sometimes about that). To really nail being the Top during kinky games you need to understand how to command respect and when to dish out punishments or affection, all whilst keeping yourself and your submissive safe.

With power, comes great responsibility. We spoke to eight dominatrixes and dommes who revel in this particular role and explain how their kink works and how to dominate responsibly.

Now get down on your knees and listen carefully... there’s a good sub.

Lady Scarlett - “The key to being a good dominant is to be yourself. There’s no need to conform to stereotypes. Dress in leather and latex if you like and enjoy it. If you want to wear a dressing gown and fluffy slippers, then do that. Don’t be afraid to laugh and have fun.” 

Mistress Ka - “When a slave pleases their Mistress or Master by completing a task they struggle with, but make no complaint, then praise and encouragement can be given. There’s no need to praise every little thing, or every time they behave well because it will lose meaning. A good Dominant will know when hard work should receive positive validation.” 

Mistress Petite - “To get into the Dominant frame of mind, say to yourself, “I’m a badass!”. Assert that badass authority at the start of a scene. One way to do this (and establish your role) is to get your submissive to kiss your heels or boots as a greeting. They’ll quickly know their place.” 

Mistress Dita - “I don’t believe you have to be mean to be a Dominant. Mean doesn’t make you powerful. Respect does. You can achieve this through how you talk. For example, I’m powerful and strong in my voice, without shouting or swearing. Be firm and clear with your instructions and what is expected of them as a submissive, but never bully by pushing someone beyond their agreed limits.” 

Majaeste - “A Dominant — whether a professional or not — needs to learn how their sub reacts to situations and be mindful of these responses. Communication and asking lots of questions before play are crucial, but it doesn’t have to be a dull chat of saying “yes” to some things and “no” to others. I like to make it part of the build-up to play, so call this process ‘the seduction’. It’s where we talk about our fantasies and experiences so far. But all this has an even greater purpose: it’s a constant check for consent.” 

Goddess Anastaxia - "When starting a role-play scene, you’re really testing the water. Whatever your partner told you about their interests and explorations may only be the tip of the iceberg. As play progresses, it’s up to you to discover what drives them wild. There’s no need to rush this. Doing so could lead to missed signals. Once you’re rolling and can see your partner is responding positively (or you’ve checked in with them verbally), that’s when you can up the intensity, push their limits, or perhaps introduce a new element. What goes up must come down. As the Dominant, you control the pace of play, so make sure you always leave enough time to bring your submissive back down to earth." 

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Tiffany Naylor - “The beauty of being a Dominant is there’s no one way to do it. Find what works for you, what you enjoy and understand your own boundaries. Soft and hard limits apply to Dominants too — you should never be asked or pushed into doing something you’re not comfortable with. It’s about respect, and as much as the Dom respects the sub’s levels and boundaries, that respect must be reciprocated.” 

Miss Molotov - “Appropriate punishment is determined by what will absolve the submissive partner of guilt while reinforcing your authority. This could be an extra helping of spanks or a 'demotion', like telling them to sit on the floor rather than beside you for a period of time. What's suitable depends on what sends the message that they are being 'punished' without it being destructive to the relationship and trust built between you. Though you may pretend, punishment is not decided by how much pain you need to inflict to discharge your anger at having been disobeyed. The key to being a good Dominant during punishment is to avoid acting out of anger, and act from a position of control.” 

BDSM Essentials: Consent and Aftercare

Before you fully enter the BDSM community or experiment with dominance and submission play there are a few things you need to understand about the submissive role and the power exchange that occurs. Understanding this power play and the roles played is vital if you are new to exploring sadism and masochism for the first time in a d/s relationship.

Firstly, you must understand that even if you take on the dominant role, the activities that occur within that relationship still need to be consensual at all times. This is why it is important to use a safeword with your submissive partner. This is a critical aspect of the dom/sub relationship or any BDSM relationship.

A dominant partner should check in on the well-being of their sub regularly. While a masochist might enjoy pain, everyone has their own individual limits, so it is important to understand where those limits are. Things can turn south very quickly if the dominant person is not paying close attention to their submissive partner’s behaviour. For example, flogging can turn from pleasure to too much pain quickly.

Aftercare is another important aspect of sadomasochism and within the power dynamic. The domme needs to ensure that even after play has stopped their partner is doing well and is comfortable. Cuddling might be appropriate or even a warm blanket. Again, discuss in advance with your partner what their preferences are. Bondage and discipline can be intense and a submissive can crash quite quickly once the activities have stopped. So it is good to keep an eye on your partner’s well-being post-session.

Keen to know more about BDSM roles?

If you’re unsure what role suits you? Check out  ‘All You Need to Know about being Dom, Sub or Switch’.

For more tips on aftercare and understanding your sub's experience read ‘What is BDSM Subspace? We Asked a Submissive’.

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